


Witch, Not Wench, You Fucking Dipshit

by Justacityboy



Series: it's a gotdamn Professor au [4]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Multi, Witches, and its super late but still!!!!!!, and prison oh my, anyways thats all ive got see yall later, this is a birthday gift for mado, woods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 10:38:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20172874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justacityboy/pseuds/Justacityboy
Summary: Local Dumbass Misheard Wench As Witch Once, Calls It That For Next 20 Years Until Lesbian Corrects Him





	Witch, Not Wench, You Fucking Dipshit

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday mado!!!!! sorry this is so late, but she's here now!! 
> 
> if you enjoy this, feel free to leave a comment or kudos! the feedback always helps!

Twink Mendel: The Prison Years: Would it be okay if I told you all that I just broke out of prison?  
Twink Mendel: The Prison Years: I’m going to take your complete silence as you all saying “That’s great, Mendel!”  
Twink Mendel: The Prison Years: And for that I’d like to thank you

veronica the beeoch: i make fun of him but i know im gonna be mendel when i grow up

-

“Mendel! Mendel! Buddy, I swear I’m not a narc! I’m gonna take you to my cabin in these woods, and not to kill you, I promise!” Cordelia was walking through the trees, careful to not let her abnormally long shall snag on any branches, but it wasn’t like a branch would do that to itself. Branches are smart. Branches don’t let themselves snag onto the clothing of a queen. At least if the branch in question isn’t a rat bastard, such as any branch of a tree planted by a woman named Karen, because their existence is born of, and will die through, the hatred and envy of lesbians. 

Anyways. 

She traipsed through the forest, holding a can of Spaghettios™ aloft in an effort to attract a wild Mendel. She was worried about him. Mendel was as grown as an 11 year old, in more ways than one. She needed to find him quick. 

She turned to the nearest bush, a distinguished and respectable fellow whom we’ll be referring to as Jeffrey. 

“Jeffrey! It’s so great to see you! How’s the family?” 

“Oh they’re wonderful!” said Jeffrey, in his old man bush voice. “Henry has been doing wonderfully at guiding those poor lost souls to safety, and he really loves helping people! And the kids are doing great in school, they’ve even made the honor scroll!” 

“Oh Jeffrey, that’s delightful! Hey, have you happened to have seen a curly haired man with puppy dog eyes and a chaotic aura?” Cordelia asked, fidgeting with the brim of her hat.

Jeffrey made a thoughtful sound. 

“Well, Henry did mention that he was aiding a panicked man in a horribly colored jumpsuit, but that was-” 

“THAT’S HIM” Jeffrey flinched backwards, “Sorry! Do you know where Henry is? Maybe he’s still helping Mendel!” Cordelia said excitedly, bouncing a little on her toes. 

Jeffrey rustled his branches, and a path of pink flowers sprouted and began glowing. 

“Oh, Jeffrey, I forgot about those! They’re so beautiful!” Delia squealed, clapping her hands together. “Thank you so much, Jeffrey! If there’s ever anything I can do for you, don’t even think about hesitating to ask!” 

“Oh, anything for you, my queen. Good luck on your quest!” 

-

“wesrexdtcfgvhjbknuiygftdrsexdtcgfhvjbkniuytdrxgfc” 

“You imbecile, you need water! Just drink it! It’s good for you!” 

A bush was telling him to drink water. 

Not just any bush, either. 

A British bush. 

Pompous bastard. 

Despite the fact that he felt like perhaps this bush was the manifestation of his survival instincts telling him to hydrate, he had one (1) sixteenth of an ounce of self-respect. He’s not about to listen to a bush. Plus, water is for chumps. So there. 

However, in this rare moment of thought, the bush did the bushly equivalent of coming at him with a shiv, except there wasn’t a shiv. But like whatever. Next thing you know, he’s being pinned to the ground by a bush, and he’s thinking the only thought a man such as him can think in a situation like this. 

“Homie, you could at least take me to dinner firtghkjfvsxhbvjk” 

The bush had a hose. 

Typical. 

“Henry! What are you doing?!” 

And now one of those magic wenches was here. La dee FRICKIN da. 

“Oh, Cordelia! I was just trying to help this fool, but he’s refusing to drink any water!” 

It was getting hard to give good sarcastic and witty commentary seeing as there was still a hose spraying water into his face. 

“So you decided the best course of action would be to waterboard him?! This isn’t Guantanamo you dull sack of oats!” 

“Well, it’s not like he was listening to reason, and he’s already exhibiting many warning signs of dehydration, so I decided to take some action!” 

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to torture him!” 

“Well what else was I supposed to do?! He’s an idiot and he’d be dead if it weren’t for people forcing him to ingest the few things humans require to survive! I’m willing to bet he has scurvy, he’s so pathetic!” 

“Don't mention it, he’s sensitive about it!” 

“A WEALTHY ADULT IN A FIRST WORLD NATION SHOULD NOT HAVE SCURVY” 

Mendel was getting PTSD flashbacks to washing spoons. 

“JUST TURN THE HOSE OFF” 

A figure loomed over him. 

“God? Wh, Why are you upside down? WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A WENCH” He put his hands in his hair, clearly distressed, “GOD, WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A WENCH” 

“A wench?! Mendel what the fuck?!” 

“You know, those magic ladies who were usually stereotyped as evil because men hate women with agency and cool-ass magic powers and the ability to fly on brooms and communicate with cats, typically black ones, and they’ve got that wicked sick potions and chemistry knowledge and-” 

“Mendel, that’s a witch, not wench, you fucking dipshit.” She sighed, picking him up and throwing him over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. “I’m gonna take you to my cabin in the woods, where I’m going to feed you, force you to hydrate, and then I will proceed to knock you out so you get some gosh darn sleep!” 

“PLEASE DON’T KILL ME” Mendel cried, flailing in her grip. 

“Buddy, relax, I’m just gonna protect you from any TYRANT BUSHES while we wait for your wife to come collect her dumbass mans.” Delia replied, glaring at Henry as she continued on the way to her hut. 

-

“Stop.” 

Smack. 

“Eating.” 

Smack. 

“All.” 

Smack. 

“The.” 

Smack. 

“Potatoes.”

Smack. 

“You wanted me to get nutrition, well now I'm eating your potatoes.” Mendel bit into a potato like an apple.

“The potatoes aren’t for you, they’re for my cheesy potatoes!” Delia cried, sweeping the potatoes away from him.

“I’m getting flashbacks to all the times Whizzer’s made us watch the avocado thief Judge Judy.” 

“Why would you do something so stupid?” Cordelia asked, doing her best (worst) Judge Judy impression

“Guacamole.” He responded seriously, before they both broke into giggles. Cordelia was the first to recover. 

“If I throw this drink at you can you catch it all in your mouth?” 

Mendel looked at her sideways. 

“Is that a McPhricking challenge?” 

“You betcha.” 

-

“Hello? Cordelia? Are you there? I got your text about having Mendel and-” 

“HI HONEY GUESS WHAT DID YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” 

Trina was promptly on the ground, Mendel on top of her, embracing his inner boa constrictor. 

“Sweetie, could you loosen your grip a bit? It’s getting kinda hard to breathe.” 

“Oh my god I am so sorry I love you I missed you but also I love you.” 

“I love you too sweetie, are you ready to go home?” 

He was asleep, cuddling into her, resting his head on her shoulder. Cordelia chuckled, walking into the foyer. 

“I think his adventures tuckered the poor thing out. He’ll want to cuddle you more than what’s probably possible, he’s been talking about how much he misses you non-stop. Oh!” She smiled into her tea, “I got him to drink some water, eat some veggies, ingest some citrus to aid with his apparent scurvy that he should probably get checked out. Other than that, I just tried to calm him down, I think he hasn’t been taking his pills, likely because of the incident that led us to this situation.” She was making a stirring motion with her finger above the teacup, not touching the steaming liquid, but the cinnamon stick protruding from the top of the cup was spinning around in circles. “You should probably take him home, he’s exhausted.” 

Trina lifted Mendel with ease and flashed a grin at Cordelia. 

“Thank you so much, Cordelia. If you ever need anything, don’t be afraid to ask! I’ll see you on Monday!” Trina said as she turned to leave. 

“Seeya!” Delia said as she closed the door behind them. Exhaling, she leaned against the door and snapped her fingers. Suddenly, the hut changed around her. What had been chic cutesy furniture and knick knacks became earthy witchy knick knacks and runes and her D&D equipment and multiple framed screencaps from Buzzfeed: Unsolved and little things that remind her of Charlotte. She sipped her tea and waltzed into her sitting room. 

“Creature! Could you bring me my phone?” 

An abnormally large cat came barreling into the room with a cell phone wrapped in its tail. 

“Thank you, Creature!” She said, patting it on the head. 

“bppr” Said Creature, rubbing against her leg. She took the phone and dialed Charlotte’s number. 

“Hello dearest! Trina just came to pick up Mendel, and now that they’ve left I was wondering if you wanted to go out! No, you don’t have to reserve anything! Just meet me at home once you get home from work! I love you too! Bye!”

**Author's Note:**

> great job on making it to the end of this! if you're interested, my tumblr is writingbitchass, so go give it a follow if you want! 
> 
> also, if you enjoyed this, go ahead and leave a comment or kudos!


End file.
